Brooklyn Braidway Bohemia with the beautiful sailer mouthed Dani Kim. Yes folks, she’s a religious Jew who married a Korean and they are going to make fucking awesome mixy, confused, foul mouthed, and hilarious babies. I slept over Dani and Paul’s in Park Slope and in the morning I braided in my sleep before Dani went to work. To achieve this stunning look that Dani wears with grace, a dab of poise and silliness, invite a stranger over to sleep in your future babies nursery. Make sure to feed them extra greasy grilled cheese and disco parmesan fries from the diner and watch YouTube videos and steal music off their external hard drive. For those ladies who are unsure if braiding works on thin hair, rest assured, you too can alienate your co workers with fabulous braids, erudite speech, and trendy douchebaggery.

This weekend Emily and I ventured on the Trail of Tears (New York Ave) out to her parents cabin in Pennsylvania farm country. With beautiful scenery, strict alcohol laws, and no cows to tip, we decided to go on a canoe trip. This of course meant that I sat in the back of the canoe and furiously paddled and navigated while Emily sat in her bikini sunning her ethnically ambiguous features and turning back periodically to yell that I wasn’t going straight. I contemplated capsizing the canoe several times but Emily’s hearing aid would not have faired well in the lake waters. Instead, we decided to coast as we wobbled the canoe to position ourselves in the middle so I could braid her hair. Don’t worry, the fishermen on the lake thought this was a totally normal canoe activity. We figured we should embrace the genocide of the American Indian and at least honor their memory by wearing braids and convincing people that inanimate objects have spirits. If you want to celebrate the history of American Indians ladies, just drown the nearest person to you who looks caucasian. While this wont restore their culture and give them back their land, it will probably get you ready for the dawning zombie apocalypse. Try not to eat their face unless it looks super appetizing and you can’t help yourself.

A weekend in DC provided me with the appropriate occasion to shock and awe the Beltway with progressive urban fashion that is difficult for Washington insiders to comprehend. Walking along the National Mall this morning, I got many stink eyes that confirmed my suspicions that Washington women are to style what Russia is to Democracy. While both are fronts (i.e. Ann Taylor Loft and the Kremlin) they share something else in common. Supporting state sponsored terrorism. While Russia s permanent status as a member of the UN Security Council and strategic geopolitical location allows them to be major players in stopping Iranian nuclear proliferation, they have succumbed to Cold War Realpolitik and see allies in terrorist governments. Likewise, Washingtonian women get their style inspiration from known socialist terrorists embedded in the US Congress. Just ask Allen West.

You may be wondering to yourself right now “why does that stunning braided beauty look like a crazy douchey hipster moron?” Let me explain. Over Memorial Day, I lost my new sunglasses down the shore (yes, I go to the shore- deal with it). To replace them, I started wearing my friend Myriah’s that she so kindly traded me for a Dr. Pepper chap stick. When one lens popped out today, I threw my hands up and surrendered realizing that maybe god doesn’t want to keep away my inevitable wrinkles and sun tearing. Aright fine…I don’t believe in god but if I did, I’m pretty sure he would be a mustachioed hipster riding a unicycle outside of a bike lane. How else can we explain the creation of birthers by anything other then irony?

Here is another angle of the top so you can see how the headband works. In case you’re wondering, yes, I jumped on the ombre bandwagon and no, I’m not going to apologize. 

I watched Game of Thrones over the weekend and was inspired by the albino goddess herself, Daenerys Targaryen. I did a half up braided headband by taking a small amount of hair from both sides, braiding it down instead of french braiding it across and pinned them across my head to form a non synthetic and repugnant headband. I took the remaining front pieces, did a little twirl and tied it in the back. 

This is my stunning friend Emily who has wondrous thick and lush hair so I had a great palette to draw from. I can’t remember exactly how I did this but it probably involved yelling at her to sit still and removing her hearing aid. The end result was fairly beautiful.

The beautiful Emily strikes again. I did this braid on a Sunday morning before brunch. Starting from the right side, I french braided across the back to the left side. I did this several times and tied the braids at the end. I created the bun by sweeping the braids in a circular motion and pinned them in place. Emily complained that the pins were painful but maybe she’s just a whiner. Another option here is to do a messy bun which will look equally as cute but not nearly as regal.

This is my beautiful best friend on whom I did a Katniss Everdeen braid. It just so happened that we went to a shooting range and played with bows and arrows thereafter. How convenient. To get the Katniss look, do a french braid and sweep it across the back. Meet it with another french braid, this one will be with less hair and then join them at the bottom into a longer braid. If you want to add some extra flare, shoot someone in the face. No, don’t. Seriously. Katniss is a murderous wonder but the braids sure soften her, huh?